I’ve hated myself for it and I’ve hated them! But it wasn’t entirely their fault, no one was really the bad guy here, because I was using them too. I’m very progressive!” Oftentimes, in the friendship, I’ve felt the need to wear my sexuality on my t-shirt, inserting gay jokes whenever possible or testing the comfortability level by being a little bit raunchy.
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“See? I hang out with gay dudes because I think they’re cool. It’s clear that I’m there to be the gay friend who makes them feel better about themselves for being so open-minded. Throughout my life, I’ve been friends with straight dudes who have treated me like a novelty. This obsession with masculinity and, by extension, straight culture, definitely bleeds into the straight guy/gay guy dynamic. So if you’re the kind of guy who’s never going to be described as “jockish” and you want to feel accepted, being friends with straight guys can often feel like the next best thing. Why does it give me so much pride when I gain the approval from heterosexual males? Am I that eager to not be perceived or defined as gay? I think it’s just another example of gay men’s aversion to be labeled as “femme.” If you go on any gay male dating/sex site, you’ll see a large percentage of men who are looking for “straight acting guys only.” They identify themselves as jock types and make a point to say they’re not into “femmes.” In the gay world, “femmes” have the least amount of power whereas so-called masculine men possess the most. On the contrary, I think it’s totally screwed up and an obvious indicator of self-loathing. It made me feel more versatile, like I could pass for “straight” and inhabit a heterosexual world more seamlessly than my other “gayer” friends. In the past, I’ve sought out the company of straight men because, in a way, I feel like it validated my masculinity. It’s something that is fetishized and yearned for on both sides.
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Behind every great gay man, there’s a real desire to have an awesome straight dude (and I don’t mean sexually). For many gay men, having a close straight male friend is akin to capturing the holy grail.